paradise gone wrong

I really liked this story. It focuses on a topic which is kind of commong now, and a lot of young ones need to focus and not get carried away.
The only thing was the shifts between the present and the past (the memories)
Could have been a bit more clear.
The confusion, anger and sadness have been portrayed really well. The questions that anyone in the situation would have.
I absolutely LOVED the title. A very eye catching and interesting one, it was a master stroke
Other than that, it was written really well too !

Hmm, this was a really nice story. So dark, and eye-catching. You have portrayed the emotions of the character very well. You have got inside her and showed the reader what her feelings are. That's very important.

Now, comes the bad part.

Firstly, I didn't feel like reading it, as you haven't broken the story into paragraphs. It was like reading a passage in an ancient history book. If it was like this,

Here I sit the blade poised above my wrist. The chill of the water does not affect my already numb skin. All I can think about is you. You with your charming smile, your easy going attitude to life, your honest personality. All but a pack of lies. How was I supposed to know your real selfish self hidden behind a curtain of lies? When all you showed was your acted performance. I really must applaud you for giving such a stunning performance. You must have been laughing at me all the time, all the time I blindly fell for your irresistible charm.

‘Did you really feel nothing for me?’ I had asked my voice barely audible. ‘After all the time you have spent with me, by my side everyday doing the things I had thought we had both loved together, you…you never cared?’

My voice dropped to a whisper. My gaze lowered in shame as the full impact of what had happened finally hit me. You had not only left me , you had used me like some play toy to use and when it has no use anymore you leave it in some remote corner and forget that you even had a toy like that. You have left me in the same way.

A smirk appears on your perfectly carved face"as he replies,
’I have never cared for you or your pathetic wishes and dreams you kept on ranting about. All that shit I said about about you being the best thing in my world and the love of my life was nothing but shit. Let’s face it honey you and I both knew the truth, we were both young looking for some fun. You wanted some excitement and so did I so what’s all this drama about, crying and coming to me, asking all this unnecessary questions?’

A pause fell between us, the tension mounting to the extreme.

‘Oh I see you are one of those, eh? Okay then,’ he reached inside his coat pocket and produced a bundle of cash. ‘Here you go,’ his voice floated ‘get the cash and get out of here,’ with a careless toss the bundle fell to the ground in front of my feet.

‘Do you think this is a joke?’ I shouted the my anger flaming in my words. I tried to control myself but I couldn’t help it. I slapped you as hard as I could. The noise echoed eerily on the walls and haunted me in my mind. You looked up at me slowly, a trickle of blood showing at the side your lips.

‘Oh mama, I haven’t felt your hand for a long time,’ you smile at me with bloodshot eyes. ‘Shouldn’t you be happy darling, I gave you a little present,’ he says staring pointedly at my stomach.

My hand unconsciously goes there only to feel a round bump. It slowly sinks in I am pregnant. Which explains why I had lately spent my dys vomiting in the bathroom? I slowly sink to my knees.

‘Guards, come and throw out this woman,’ he shouts the voice unexpectedly loud in the small space guarded by four walls.

A few minutes later I am being hauled to my feet and being firmly led outside. You stand there, with that little smile playing about your lips. I will never forget. I can feel my body involuntarily shuddering. A soft moan escapes my lips. How could you do this to me? How will I raise the life growing inside? Why am I the mother? Why didn’t I know what you were in the first place? Why did I have to go through all this? Do I deserve it? All questions unanswered, racing through my mind. But I have no answer. Why do I even care? (This part confused me, because you suddenly went from past, to present, without giving the reader any time to catch up)

I slide slid the cold metal gently over my wrist. 'Is this what death feels like? Are these the things which goes through the mind of someone who is about to die?' I have no answers. With my eyes fluttering close I imagine imagined what paradise looks like. I imagine (imagined) a gentle breeze swaying the leaves of the coconut tree. Colours of rainbow in the sky. The sun barely visible behind the shadows of the mountains. A strange music plays with a bittersweet tone. I see myself in vibrant colours embracing the water like a dear friend. With a few graceful strokes I find the sea bottom gradually dropping away. I am finally in paradise. As I go further out, I find that the colour of the sea has changed to a deep rusty red. The more I swim the darker it gets. As I lift up hand to shout for help a chill settles eerily in my stomach. A thin line blood emerging from my wrist runs its way down my hand and into the water. I open my mouth to scream but try as I may no sound can be heard. I am drowning in my own blood!! I panic and gasp for air for I feel as if something were pulling me down. Something splashes up beside me.

It is you, it can’t be you? Why you? Your eyes are bloodshot; you look towards me grinning evilly. Why are you here? I ask to myself. Why are you the only one that appears in my beautiful paradise gone wrong? (Why are you the only one that appears when my beautiful paradise goes wrong?) The sun is was getting hotter, blazing on my body till I can take it no more. I let myself go, sinking through the depths of the water. Tiny bubbles on the surface of the water are (were) the only remainder that a human life exists. You are not here anymore, the silence has been restored. My eyes remain open, even though I can feel my heartbeat eventually slowing down till I am no more. A lifeless body floating on the water surface.

I slapped you as hard as I could.